What I wish I could tell book characters

I love reading but certain book characters irritate me. Maybe that's why I read the beginning of the book and the end of a book and only read the middle if the beginning and the end are happy (or significantly intriguing enough to make me read the middle.I figure if the beginning and the end are sad then things only go downhill in the middle so what's the point?) Anyway, as I said certain book characters bother me and the do gooder part of me wishes I could make  their poor little fictional lives easier. If I could give these characters a piece of my mind this is what I'd tell a few of them: (Please note that some of this may be plot spoilers so I apologize in advance.)

• To Tess Durbyfield/D'urberville: Stay away from Alec D'urberville-he's bad news. Also stay away from Angel Clare-he's a wimp who'll just leave you because you aren't a virgin (Never mind the fact that he isn't a virgin either.) In fact it might be best if you  just took a vow of celibacy, it would save you so much trial and misery!
• To Frodo & Bilbo Baggins: If you want a more peaceful existence, leave off wearing jewelry-especially rings.
• To  Jane Eyre: Don't hook up with/get engaged to Mr. Rochester -he's spoken for. To Mr. Rochester: Yes your wife is insane (literally) and that you want to have a life but seriously do you have to ask another woman to marry you when you know you're still married? Tisk, tisk, tisk, it's just self, self, self for some people!
• To Edmund Pevensie: Stay away from the White Witch even if she does offer you Turkish Delight. The White Witch is more trouble than she's worth. Exhibit A: She banished Christmas. Exhibit B: She's got serious anger management issues, she turns all her enemies to stone. She'd give Voldemort a run for his money! Long story short, if you really want Turkish Delight, go to a shop.
•  To Scarlett O'Hara: Ashley is married, get over it. Go off with Rhett Butler, he's more handsome, has more brains, and is madly in love with you.
• To Oliver Twist, don't for goodness sakes ask for more food. All you'll get is more grief for it!
• To Odysseus: Don't piss off Greek Gods, they'll make it so it takes you 20 years to get home which is way too long a trip!
• To Katniss Everdeen: Gale has too much hate-all you need is love (e.g. Peetah.) 
• To Cathy Earnshaw:  It really frustrated me you didn't hook up with Heathcliffe and instead just settled for pining away for each other. What's the point of that when you could have run away together, which have been so much more romantic to me. (sigh.) 
• To Ebenezer Scrooge: Unless you want to be like that poor little bugger in The Sixth Sense and start seeing dead people in the middle of the night, be nice to your fellow man.

Even though I would love to knock some sense into the characters mentioned above, those books probably wouldn't have been even a smidgen enjoyable if I had given these people all a piece of my mind. Ah well, I guess the moral of my story is the show must go on even if it gets messy as it goes along!