Funniest quotes I can find

I was thinking that a year should start off with a good laugh so here are some of the funniest quotes I could find via the internet.

• "If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!" -Steven Wright 
• "My voice is not so much 'bel canto' as it was 'can belto'"-Harry Secombe 
• "My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is." -Ellen DeGeneres  
• "I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking 3!"-Elayne Boosler 
• "A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."-Steve Martin
• "O Lord help me to be pure, but not yet."-St. Augustine 
• "A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."-Groucho Marx
• "I took a speed reading course and read [the book] "War and Peace" in 20 minutes. It involves Russia"-Woody Allen

Sources: https://litemind.com/best-famous-quotes/
http://www.brainyquote.com